BACK TO MYSELF AND SHOWING GUILT OUT

Here I am, back to myself!

It’s been a while since the last time. I visited some friends in the musical world and now it’s time to go on with our journey.

Let’s get straight to today’s topic: guilt.

We all have to deal with it sooner or later. Where does it come from? Education, submission, feeling faulty, doing wrong things, not being able to say sorry, not taking responsibility for our actions.

How many ways of manifesting guilt are there? What is the difference between an imposed guilt and one that arises from our mistakes? When is it useful and when not? When is it fake and hides the trap to put the other person in the position of comforting the “guilty” one?

Let’s have a look at all these different situations!

Imposed guilt as a preventive measure

This is the mother of all guilts. You feel guilty even though you haven’t done anything wrong yet, but you know that if you do, someone will suffer immensely. And guess who it is? Your mummy, of course!!!

“Please don’t be late, it makes me so anxious!”

“Last night you didn’t eat anything, I turned and tossed all night thinking about it… are you all right?”

“You won’t abandon your mummy when you grow up, will you?”

“Now comes the summer, I hope that someone will come to see me, so I have a bit of company, too.”

Does this sound familiar? If adolescence did not help you to rebel properly, remember that it is never too late and that the person who manipulates must be re-educated with many NO’s.

The sense of guilt when we do wrong

Ok, we made a mistake, a little one, a big one, with consequences just for us or for others too. Depending on the character of the person, the risk is that we see this mistake bigger than it really is and that we feel paralyzed. There is nothing wrong with feeling guilty, but if the anxiety does not go away and we see no way out, it is better to seek help immediately.
Too often there is no proportion between the burden we feel and the mistake we made. Guilt gets tangled with other troubles hidden in our subconscious mind and this confuses us even more.

The useful guilt

It is normally about practical things, oversights, distractions. If it happens on several occasions, use guilt to stop at the very moment in which it occurs and find a solution. If you don’t, it will happen again and it will be no use to weep about it.

The needless guilt

In my opinion this is the most devastating and the one you need to rationalize as quick as possible. It happens when we cannot stop thinking about a word we spoke or did not speak to someone who is no longer part of our lives. Bear this in mind, we do not have this omnipotence. Even in the most tragic cases, it is no-one’s fault. If during an argument you insult a person and she/he has an accident, it’s not your fault; if she/he disappears from your life and you don’t see her/him anymore, it is not your fault; if she/he takes revenge, it is not your fault.

The sense of guilt trick

This is used by skilled manipulators in order to obtain the forgiveness of the wronged person and thus get rid of any feelings of guilt.

Let’s take the boyfriend who is late to the appointment and does not warn you. He leaves you waiting and when he arrives he overwhelms you with all his sorrow: “I’m sorry baby, you have no idea what a day I had … I was ready at the right time, you know, but then I met my boss… and I was there thinking of you here waiting all alone… I felt terrible, but I could not tell him to get lost, you know? I felt really guilty and when I got in the car I did not want to waste a second on the phone and I arrived as soon as possible.” How many times will the answer be:” Yes… I understand love. Don’t worry…”?

Or the couple of friends with their son who are all ready and willing to take your child with them: “Come on, we will take your child with us to the park, so they play a little together!” And then they lose him and when they tell you what happened, they describe how scared they were, that once also their child got lost and how troubled they were that they even could not sleep the following night… How many times will the answer be: “All right, come on, all is well that ends well …”? (subtitled “You forget it I’ll ever let my son come with you again!”).

Conclusion

Guilt is terrible and should not affect our life. Here I have addressed this issue in a light way, to play it down, but not to ridicule a feeling that can even make us sick.

If this list has made you smile and you have found helpful suggestions, I’m happy, but if you realize that you are paying too high a price for any mistakes you may have made, do not delay, ask for help.

Until next time!

 

Memories…to forget

Welcome back!

Lately I find myself more and more involved with people who keep thinking about the good old days. Whether they talk about music, family memories, travel, objects, it always seems that the present will never have a chance to match the magic and perfection of the past. Poor present… we often forget that it is the only time in our lives where we can intentionally act to improve things.

I hate memories with no purpose. Memories of this kind only lead to nostalgia and melancholy.

I dare even to say that I would erase them if I could. I know very well that every experience makes me what I am today and if I erased some memories I would be like a puzzle with missing pieces. I would become, if this is possible, even more incomprehensible to me.

In spite of my ideas about it, I find myself identifying in the past: I am the person who has suffered this loss, I am the person who has had this accident, I am the person who has been dismissed …

Do you notice something? The bitterest memories are tied to negative situations. I have read somewhere that at least five positive experiences are necessary to psychologically balance one negative experience. I think this is not entirely true either. Maybe in the present, but not for distant memories.

For example, being treated in a rude and unfriendly way in a store is not a good experience and, whether you react or you remain speechless, it is difficult to get rid immediately of what happened. However, if during the day you receive five manifestations of kindness or affection in other situations, the memory of how you have been treated in the store could disappear. Maybe it could be even useful in order to choose whether to go back or not.

It is very different when the memory is linked to a past trauma. In these cases so many factors come into play (sights, smells, sensations) and it is hard to find a good solution for everyone.

I found great help in a technique called EFT Tapping. You can find my articles here:

https://stillrocking.wordpress.com/2015/11/03/this-makes-me-feel-good/
https://stillrocking.wordpress.com/2015/11/23/well-being-tai-chi-and-eft/
https://stillrocking.wordpress.com/2015/11/24/well-being-tai-chi-e-eft-part-2/

If you are interested in experiencing EFT, have a look at the link below regarding the 8th Tapping World Summit, starting on Monday, February 22. This is a totally free series of lectures and guided practices for those who want to get closer to this technique.

http://www.thetappingsolution.com/2016VideoSeries/

But there are also memories of beautiful experiences that make us happy in difficult times and that encourage us in creating others.

These are the memories to look back to from time to time, with the knowledge that even with small gestures of everyday life, we can help build the good memories of tomorrow.

These are not rhetorical words I assure you. Even in the darkest moments of my life, I have always tried to find a little light in every gesture, made or received, and if I could not find it, I would simply go on.

Life after all is the relationship with ourselves and every relationship requires love, commitment and patience. If we are willing to do this for the people we love, we must do the same with ourselves.

Take care of the person you are and choose the memories you want to keep with you. For everything else look for the right way to get rid of it.

Some experiences will stay with you forever, but you have the right to ensure that they do not hurt your soul every time you remember them.